Things I Love: Boyhood, Nightcrawler and Whiplash being nominated for anything, Neil Patrick Harris hosting, potential for devastated Michael Keaton face if he loses Best Actor, Benedict Cumberbatch in a tuxedo = alien James Bond Super Villain, Julianne Moore finally winning, Richard Linklater's very casual, "oh cool, an Oscar...huh" speech if he wins, Twitter tonight
Things I Don't Love: any winner sobbing like a blathering idiot as they give their acceptance speech (grow up), Selma, even though I don't love Selma (it's fine) the fact that Ava Duvernay wasn't nominated for Director, American Sniper, predicting that fucking Adapted Screenplay Category
Be back shortly.
7:17pm CST:
- So far, it's Kerry Washington hotter than everyone else and it's not even close.
- Let me just say that I'm tentatively excited about Neil Patrick Harris hosting. Only "tentatively" b/c it's the Oscars and I'm worried he'll be neutered, but I think he'll pull it off. If you ever have the chance, look up on YouTube his openings to the 2011 and 2013 Tony Awards (b/c I'm sure no one has seen those b/c who the fuck watches the Tonys?) , it's like the guy was created in a laboratory strictly as a cyborg designed to be the perfect awards show host.
- Also, what's the over/under on references made to Neil Patrick Harris' role in Gone Girl and Rosamund Pike's presence as a Best Actress nominee? 2.5?
- Weird, random thing I learned today: Meryl Streep has been nominated 19 times. 19!!!
- Race joke right out of the gate and immediately breaks into song, god I love you, Neil.
- I love you Anna Kendrick, but I'm not seeing Into the Woods, never. I'm still forever scarred by the 8 hour non-stop singing marathon that was Les Miserables.
- Look at that, Gone Girl reference already. That's one.
- Hugh Jackman hosted the Oscars a little while back and did more singing and dancing than I need in my life. I will say this though, the difference between he and NPH is that at least Neil knows he's gay.
- I wonder how long it takes Oprah to exhume Stedman before they go out together.
- Smurfs 2 dig, check! Tell em, Neil!
- When I saw Birdman, I already knew that J.K. Simmons was the frontrunner, but I thought Edward Norton was so great and therefore, I thought, "hell yeah! my boy Eddie is finally gonna get his Oscar!" and then I saw J.K. Simmons in Whiplash and I said "oh." Sorry, Ed.
- And let me just say that I love Ethan Hawke's performance too. Pretty much any other year, he deserves to win, but Simmons is so so good, you can't not give it to him.
- And Mark Ruffalo was really good in Foxcatcher too. Shit, this is a great category.
- J.K. Simmons takes it in one of the locks of the night. 1/1. WERE YOU RUSHING OR WERE YOU DRAGGING. I love love love Whiplash.
- I went in to The Grand Budapest Hotel thoroughly expecting to dislike it b/c I just don't generally click with what Wes Anderson is putting out there, but damn if I wasn't completely charmed by it. Fiennes is terrific and it was also interesting that the film is his most decorated b/c it seemed to be just dropped in to theaters in the spring without much fanfare, not to be heard from again until Oscar time.
- American Sniper's overwhelming success is odd to me. It's a very pedestrian film anchored by an awesome lead performance. It's not a bad movie necessarily and it's effective in the sense that pretty much anything about young men dying b/c of a fictitious war would be moving to anyone with a soul. It's not the execution, it's the subject matter. I could make a movie about 9/11 and it could be the worst film ever made, but you'll probably still cry b/c it's about....9/11, it's inherently sad. Also, it's very overwraught and just kind of...dumb. Here's an American Sniper scene: *Bradley Cooper is back in the states, out with his son at a tire shop getting his tires changed out. Hears a drill in the garage. Cooper stops what he's doing and just stares at the drill as the camera slowly zooms to his face* DON'T YOU GET IT. HE HAS PTSD. THIS WAR HAS AFFECTED HIM.
- Costume Design is always a fun category b/c it usually goes to the big, lavish period piece (basically, anything old and British) and not the more popular films, but this year, I just think The Grand Budapest Hotel is so overwhelmingly loved that it'll override that. Plus, it is an extremely impressive film visually. And there we go, 2 for 2. Mildly worried about that one, but it worked out. Thanks, TGBH!
- Is Wes Anderson clutching his pearls?
- 3 for 3 now with Makeup/Hairstyling going to Budapest. I guess I was right about the love affair between that film and Dame Oscar. A small part of me wondered if maybe The Guardians of the Galaxy would get some love in some of these tech categories b/c it was such a hit and so beloved by the general public and critics alike, but ain't no party like a Wes Anderson party apparently.
- What's wrong with Channing Tater Tots' eyes?
- Gotta love the Academy. Yeah let's get all those tech categories and foreign shit out of the way early on, no one cares.
- Ida. Lock. 4 for 4 now. I mean, it's a black and white Holocaust picture. I will say though the director of Ida gave a funny, weirdly competitive speech at the Independent Spirit Awards last night, so let's see if he tells everyone to "suck it" this time.
- You're foreign, you get ten seconds to speak and then get the fuck off my stage.
Love, the Academy
- Dude is awesome, I already love him and I've never seen any of his films.
- I think I've said enough about Boyhood to indicate my feelings about it, but I'll just say it's the best film I've seen since Synecdoche, NY. I found it to be so beautiful and moving and relatable. I felt like I could watch it for days. The Theory of Everything is buoyed by a really really really good Eddie Redmayne performance, but other than that, it unfolds like pretty much every other biopic you've ever seen. And that brings us to Birdman. I really enjoyed Birdman, but I kind of hate what it represents, if that makes sense. I hate how reflexive it is. I mean, it's insecure about how it's received before it's even seen by anyone. It's what you'd get if you gave Todd Solondz's Storytelling a fuckload of PEDs and a bigger budget. It just feels like the whole film is saying to you, "yeah, but....ART man!" Oh and any film that has a parenthetical subtitle, get the fuck out of here, you pretentious asshole.
- Ahh yes, Kerry Washington time. Marry me.
- You gave her the shorts? Bush league. Boorrriinnngggg.
- The award winners have figured out that they can actually talk their way through being played off. The rebellion has BEGUN. Uh oh.
- "Something something something about veterans...." *camera immediately cuts to Bradley Cooper staring very seriously* The Academy cares about our veterans, y'all.
- Hayao Miyazaki getting a lifetime achievement award is beyond well-deserved. Love love him.
- Too many songs and crap and nonsense, come onnnnnnnn. Wait...I'm watching the Academy Awards. Carry on.
- I guess I'll make a drink. Time to spice things up.
- Maybe I'm wrong or misremembering, but it feels like Birdman is the easiest, most obvious thing to parody in a long time.
- Was Neil digging into his butt as he walked off stage?
- I was joking earlier about getting all of the boring crap out of the way earlier, but it honestly feels like that's what they're doing. Here are some highlights from the scientific/technical awards ceremony. *blows brains out*
- I guess on the bright side, that means the second half of this show should be a real hoot!
- Ok Sound Mixing, it feels like this comes down to American Sniper vs. Whiplash. And goddammit, what did I say before? I should've gone with my preference. 4 for 5.
- Is the guy giving the acceptance speech retarded?
- Ok Sound Editing, you better be Interstellar. Fuck! I feel like I made a mistake, why did I pick Interstellar? I swear I meant to pick American Sniper. Whatever, fuck you. 4 for 6.
- Ok Patricia Arquette, make it all better. Kind of weird that Laura Dern got a nomination. She's good, but she was in Wild for like ten minutes. Also, I don't care that Keira Knightley has the body of a ten year old, she's hot. Yayyy, Patricia! 5 for 7.
- I love Patricia Arquette: "I've been through a lot of shit, I'm reading my speech. no fucks given."
- Well, that speech got weirdly political. "Guys thank you for this award, now let's talk about abortion."
- After Interstellar lost Sound Editing, I'm kind of worried about Visual Effects now. If it's not Interstellar, it'll be Guardians of the Galaxy. Still got it! 6 for 8.
- Confession time: I actually kind of like Kevin Hart *ducks to dodge flying objects*
- Animated Feature is an interesting one. I feel like it's How To Train Your Dragon 2's to lose, but I wouldn't be shocked if Big Hero 6 took it. Oh Pixar, where are you when I need you so I don't have to put this much thought into the Animated Feature category?
- Another confession: I like The Rock. The Rock and Kevin Hart, buddy cop movie. Make it happen, Hollywood.
- Welp, goddammit. I guess since I'm always pointing out which one it COULD HAVE BEEN and I'm ALWAYS right about that, maybe I should get a half point? Motherfucker. 6 for 9.
- "Once upon a time, there was a freckled little boy who...." *director immediately instructs orchestra to begin playing* "Get this lowlife off my stage."
- Oh and WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY MONTAGES?! The Oscars should have had about 4 by now, don't deny me this, Academy.
- "Hi, I'm the president of the Academy. Allow me the next 4 minutes of your time to murder you with boredom."
- I'm so happy for Chris Pratt. Freaking Andy from Parks and Recreation is on his way to being the biggest movie star in the world. Sometimes kids, the universe just gets it right.
- The Grand Budapest Hotel wins for Production Design because....duh. 7 for 10.
- Idris Elba and Jessica Chastain would probably make good looking babies.
- Cinematography. Gee, I wonder if it's gonna go to the film shot as if it were all one take. Shocker. Emmanuel Lubezki got nominated 5 times before finally winning and now has won two years in a row (last year for Gravity) so, don't ever give up children. 8 for 11 now.
- Excellent, it's Streeper time baby! Time to class this shit show up.
- The "In Memoriam" segment is always a good one. You get to tear up a bit, say "who is that?", be like "oh yeah"...it's a rollercoaster of emotions.
- Calling it right now, Robin Williams is the last one they show.
- I can't do anything right tonight, Mike Nichols is a good one though. I like how they explicitly tell the audience to NOT clap until the end and there's always some asshole who claps anyway when it's someone they particularly like. Then everyone has to explain to this person that their clapping for a specific individual is basically a non-verbal way of saying "your death was more significant than everyone else's b/c I liked that one movie you did with the thing and the guy".
- Tweet of the night so far was during the "In Memoriam" segment: "I can't believe they're listing all of Chris Kyle's victims like this". Big "lol" from me on that one.
- There he is, guys. Evil alien supervillain, Benedict Cumberbatch. He'll kill us all.
- Editing is interesting b/c as I've noted probably 47 times before, Editing can be a good predictor of Best Picture. Wow! The Whiplash love is strong (damn you, Amour!). 8 for 12.
- Well this does make me feel better about my Adapted Screenplay prediction. I'm pissed I've missed out on four, but what can I say, I can't stay mad at you, Whiplash. Such an uncompromising, awesome picture.
- I actually quite liked The Imitation Game. I just thought it was good old fashioned Hollywood filmmaking. Critics of it have been vocal about its veracity, but I'm not particularly interested in that...or rather it doesn't bother me. It's a movie, not a history class. Selma is just a huge blind spot for me, I guess. It is utterly beloved by critics and has a very strong, vocal contingent of supporters and actually, if I had to pick a dark horse to win Best Picture, I'd pick Selma. The acting is great and DuVernay did an amazing directing job, but it just felt like something I'd seen before. Effective, good film, but nothing exceptional.
- Documentary should be Citizenfour's to lose, but if anything might win otherwise, it's Virunga b/c ya know...people love monkeys. 9 for 13 now.
- Good performance, I wonder if they'll win Best Song?
- I like how the orchestra is playing famous songs from past cinematic favorites. I just figured out how to play "Falling Slowly" from Once on guitar #productive
- That John Travolta joke was his best all night. And then Travolta gets up there with a face he kept from his time filming Face/Off. Face/Off reference, NAILED IT *fist pump*
- And "Glory" wins, 10 for 14.
- So...still no montages.
- Oh wait, a tribute to The Sound of Music, awesome.
- And now a live song! You know what this show needs? More songs.
- Just checked Twitter and just about every reaction is: "What is going on?" or "Why?". Twitter, I love you.
- The upper 50% of Julie Andrews' face is unable to move.
- Best Original Score is interesting b/c you don't want to bet against Hans Zimmer and Desplat would be a potential choice for The Grand Budapest Hotel, but he's also nominated for The Imitation Game so you assume he splits the vote, but then again, everyone thought that would happen with Steven Soderberg when he was nominated for Director for Erin Brockovich and Traffic and yet, the Academy united to make sure he won. And just like I said, the force is strong with Grand Budapest. Fuck. 10 for 15 now. This could get ugly. Hopefully, I'll be drunk by then so I won't care. I'll just stare angrily at the TV and mutter obscenities to myself.
- Hey guys, look it's Eddie Murphy, everyone used to love him, but now he just makes us all sad with how boring he is.
- HO-LEE SHIT. Fucking seriously?! I think I may have been happier with ANY other nominee winning. This is fucking stupid. 10 for 16.
- It's remarkably inconsistent too. Grand Budapest has been rolling all night and already was tied for the lead with nominations so one would think it would culminate in a Best Screenplay win which is usually the "you're not going to win Best Picture, but we love you so here's something" award, which you would think is perfect for a film like Grand Budapest. I actually feel bad for Wes Anderson now. It's going to take a minor miracle for me to finish strong b/c I have no fucking idea what to expect now. I'm really wondering if this means Birdman is the frontrunner for Picture, Director, and Actor now. Goddammit all!!
- Ok I give up. 10 for 17.
- ONCE AGAIN, Whiplash wins Editing and Sound Mixing, seems to be rolling....oh, let's give it to that one film you haven't fucking heard from all night. Go fuck yourselves, Academy.
- Best Director already, interesting. Alright, hurry up and get it over with. Break my heart, you soulless assholes.
- So so so so so fucking stupid. 10 for 18.
- For such an inexplicable ceremony, at least I'll probably hit a new low in terms of accuracy. Which is what this parade of idiocy deserves.
- Don't worry, Richard. You're ten times the filmmaker Inarritu will ever be. You've already proven yourself with your work.
- Pleased to see my Twitter feed shares my outrage and disgust. But hey, the Academy always makes great decisions. I mean, we all still talk about how great a movie Crash was right?
- I just can't fathom how Boyhood has no shot. It's one of the most perspective defying, vomit inducing decisions the Academy could possibly make. You really think in 20 years that people will still be talking about or holding in high regard fucking Birdman?!
- I really liked Foxcatcher, just fyi.
- I'd like to say Redmayne winning here would make me happy, but I don't give a shit. Especially knowing what else is to come.
- Ok that actually did make me kind of happy. Go fuck yourself, Birdman. 11 for 19.
- This is the most excited you'll ever see a Brit.
- He's friends with someone named Pip!
- Now time for one of my favorite actresses of all time, Julianne Moore, to get her due.
- Lookin' good, Matt....*crickets*
- Good chance to point out another one of the Academy's brain-dead oversights, Gone Girl. Definitely one of the best films of the year. At least Rosamund Pike got nominated because she is the best thing about it. Also, Reese Witherspoon and Julianne Moore are both phenomenal. If I had to pick, I'd probably go with Moore, but they're all tremendous. And there we go, good for you, Julianne. 12 for 20.
- Julianne Moore just seems like the best person and of course, her giving one of the most dignified speeches of the night was a lock.
- Sean Penn is gradually morphing into Marc Maron.
- Oh shutup and get this horseshit over with.
- At this point, it'd be kind of funny if Selma won.
- What the fuck ever. I guess at least I predicted it right. 13 for 21. I actually think I've done worse than that before.
- I guess this will sound mildly racist, but I'm part Mexican so it's okay. At least Alfonso Cuaron won last year, albeit for his worst film, but still. Maybe that counterbalances Inarritu for winning here?
- To lighten things up a bit, here are some of the tweets I read near the end and at the end of the Oscars:
"Boy this evening has been a little joyless, but at least Sean Penn is here."
"You done with your little magic act? People are dying in Haiti. - Sean Penn"
"Hopefully this loss will inspire Linklater to think outside the box and try something different and ambitious next time."
"Don't forget, Crash won an Oscar."
"That's it! - Richard Linklater clenches his fist: I'm making a 90-year film!"
"I'm going to say 'who gave this guy a green card' to every Mexican I meet now. It seems like a fun joke."
- What can I say, some people are just better at this than me, but I try.
- Times like this, I have to remind myself to practice what I preach. It's a stupid awards show, it doesn't matter in terms of placing value on art. Of course, I want the films I love to get the recognition I feel they deserve which is completely selfish and irrational, but that's part of the fun. It's a competition for something where competition shouldn't even be in the discussion, but it's what we have. I don't want to not care b/c then I couldn't do this every year! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch The Jinx on HBO b/c I want to watch something about murder.
