All that being said, I think if The Wolf of Wall Street wins anything significant (it won't), I may throw one of the cats out the window in celebration.
7:28pm CST:
- Is it too late to make my annual Louis Gossett Jr joke/reference? I fear he may be gone forever. Gossett!!! Why have you forsaken me?!
- Also, I don't wish to be too hard on Ellen before she even gets a chance, but I can't think of a host I could be more disinterested in. Perhaps I'm unaware of how this process works, but Steve Martin is always a terrific host so why not have him do it every year? Is he really that busy? Also, the one year Jon Stewart did it, he was great, bring him back.
- Nice to see Brad Pitt cleaned himself up for tonight's event. At last night's Independent Spirit Awards, he looked like a British mobster from a Guy Ritchie movie.
- Are we sure Barkhad Abdi isn't actually a pirate? I can't decide if that comment is racist or not.
- Liza Minelli looks like she has a case of the dizzies (Arrested Development reference, check!!)
- Cate Blanchett once again looking like the Princess of Monaco.
- Is it just me or does it feel like everyone in Hollywood possesses the stereotypical haughty aristocratic laugh?
- I can't keep up, is Jonah Hill gonna be fat or not? I don't really care, I just want him to decide so I can get used to what I'm looking at.
- Warning: if you have epilepsy, do NOT look at Anne Hathaway's dress. On the other hand, if you love disco music, by all means look away.
- Alright, a big category right off the bat. Pretty confident it's Leto's to lose unless I'm severely underestimating the love for American Hustle or even 12 Years a Slave. Btw, Michael Fassbender DESERVES to win this award and it's not even close. He is absolutely off the charts awesome in 12 Years.
- And bingo bango, 1 for 1 as Leto takes it. This should be good for anyone rooting for the "Weirdest People Possible to Win Oscars" telecast.
- Jared Leto with a solid 30 Seconds to Mars plug. You keep the scene alive, Jared!!
- Solid speech, Jared. You prattled on so long that now whoever wins Sound Mixing won't even get to thank his mother, so I hope you're proud of yourself!
- Quick aside, I'm so glad the Oscars is back to their traditional format. Remember that one year when Hugh Jackman hosted and the whole goddamn thing turned into a 4 hour musical? We don't want change, Academy. We want pretty people giving self-congratulatory long winded speeches and we want Oscar clips for the acting categories (remember when they got rid of those that one year?), so bully for you!
- Jim Carrey looks like a cartoon.
- A montage dedicated to "animated heroes"...I think I speak for everyone when I say, FINALLY!!
- Ugh, live song performances. Think I'll take out the trash.
- Why is Jamie Foxx up there? Dude, Django was last year, it's not time to slum it yet. And awkward white people dancing...Pharrell, you diabolical genius you!
- Alright Costume Design, time for you to keep up your tradition of enabling me to easily predict you by always going with the films that are either period pieces or big lavish spectacles like Gatsby. And what do ya know, I'm 2 for 2.
- Ladies and gentleman, Oscar-nominated Bad Grandpa! 3 for 3 as DBC takes it down. Probably the easiest category to predict solely b/c there was a better chance of me being drafted by the NFL in May than Lone Ranger or Bad Grandpa winning.
- Also, can we get Samuel L. Jackson to announce ALL of the winners? I like that he can't un-Samuel L. Jackson himself whether he's in a Tarantino movie or a prestigious awards show. God bless that man.
- That 15 seconds they just showed from The Wolf of Wall Street is probably literally the only 15 seconds of the movie they're allowed to broadcast on public television.
- I just said to myself, "Kim Novak is still alive?" and apparently she is...and her face is stapled together.
- Animated Feature Film coming up. If Frozen doesn't win, you all have my permission to draw and quarter me. Shocker. 4 for 4 now.
- Bill Murray is awesome. Definitely has no regard for anything. He slept in the limo all the way to the Oscars, we all know he did.
- Now, a tribute to "ordinary people"? Ok. Hollywood throwing us commoners a bone, they are nothing if not gracious.
- Ha ha, Braveheart won Best Picture. That's pretty hilarious...and depressing.
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt looking extra Asian tonight.
- Gravity wins Visual Effects in another "duh" category, 5 for 5 now.
- Great song from the best movie that is criminally underrepresented tonight (Her, of course).
- Ok so we're an hour in and 5 of the 21 major categories have been announced. So, on pace for a four hour telecast. Sounds about right.
- I forgot Harrison Ford is married to Calista Flockhart. Poor guy.
- Documentary, as I mentioned before, is probably the category I'm having the most trouble with. It's basically between The Act of Killing and 20 Feet from Stardom. Act has great pedigree and ultra serious subject matter, but 20 has been the fan favorite across the board. Yayyy, I got it, 6 for 6.
- This lady singing her acceptance speech isn't weird or awkward at all.
- Oh snap, Spacey droppin them House of Cards jokes! *yawn*
- Foreign Language Film is another category I struggled with, but I'm mildly confident The Great Beauty will win. 7 for 7, perfect game still in tact.
- Nebraska and Her. That's a hell of a movie night, big fan of both.
- Btw, Joaquin Phoenix should've been nominated for his devastating work in Her and Scarlett Johansson should've been nominated as well, wonderful film.
- And here is U2 performing a song from a movie no one saw or cared about, enjoy!
- I can't remember which year it was, but there was one year where for the Best Original Song performances, they had them each play small portions of each song back to back, therefore knocking out all of the performances in one fell swoop. They should do that every time.
- Benedict Cumberbatch photobombing Ellen's picture with Chiwetel Ejiofor was a highlight, I'll just say it now.
- Michael B. Jordan = the next Denzel Washington. Book it.
- Angelina Jolie will never not be stunning.
- Same goes for Charlize Theron.
- And hey look, it's one of the Hemsworthesessses...what do those guys do again?
- Look, if it's a technical category, just go with Gravity, it's real easy. 8 for 8 now.
- One day, some hilarious Hollywood prankster should make the envelopes containing the winners like a Russian doll. Then we can watch Mark Wahlberg opening 12 different envelopes to eventually get to the winner.
- Gravity again. New Oscar drinking game, every time Gravity wins a tech category, take a shot. 9 for 9.
- Supporting Actress should be interesting. I feel like it's Lupita's to lose, but I'm terrified of the Jennifer Lawrence freight train. It probably helps Lupita that Lawrence won last year and I still can't get a read on how much or little the Academy loved American Hustle. Every nominee with the exception of Julia Roberts was great. If it were up to me, I might lean June Squibb for her acerbic turn in Nebraska, but I'm completely okay with Lawrence or Nyong'o too.
- Good for her, 10 for 10.
- Young, first time winners are always the most fun.
- I won't lie, it's odd hearing others from 12 Years a Slave speak highly of or thank Michael Fassbender considering how utterly ruthless and psychopathic he was in that film.
- That sound you just heard was the sound of everyone in America falling in love with Lupita Nyong'o.
- Ok so Ellen wasn't lying, she really was ordering pizza. Best Oscar host ever? I think so!
- Now a Harvey Weinstein crack, that's pretty good. Damn you Ellen, stop winning me over.
- I feel kind of bad for some of the other nominees going against Gravity in a tech category. It's like a group of nerdy virgins are all hitting on a girl at a party and she seems mildly interested and then Channing Tatum shows up...oh and 11 for 11 now.
- Ok, Editing worries me. Typically, Editing will directly correspond with the Best Picture winner, but in this case, Gravity is such an overwhelming visual achievement that anything "tech" related that it touches, it's going to win. Which is too bad because if it were up to me, it's 12 Years a Slave in a landslide.
- Much ado about nothing, 12 for 12. They don't call me The Master for nothin' ya know.
- Ok so now we have a tribute to animated heroes, "ordinary" people, and The Wizard of Oz. I'd love to be the guy who chooses what the Academy is gonna pay tribute to every year. "Ok guys, this year, I want tributes to famous dogs of cinema, Jim Carrey sidekicks, and Fiona Apple singing a song about Tommy Boy, get me those montages ASAP!"
- Ok it's The Great Gatsby vs Gravity. This seems like the right time for me to have my first miss.
- Or not, 13 for 13 now. I guess my philosophy of always going with the lavish period pieces is pretty much miss-proof for Costume Design, Production Design and Makeup.
- It's about time someone paid tribute to the biggest blockbusters of all time. They deserve their day in the sun too.
- Stupid Academy, reminding me about James Gandolfini, Roger Ebert, and especially Philip Seymour Hoffman and now I'm sad.
- And now Bette Midler is singing and it reminds of that Seinfeld episode she was in and I'm laughing now. Seinfeld...the gift that keeps on giving.
- Somehow, all the gravitas and sentimentality that the dead people montage brought out has now been completely eviscerated by Bette Midler singing "Wing Beneath My Wings". It's like saying the most romantic thing ever to your significant other and then immediately farting.
- 14 for 14. So I guess the Academy liked Gravity?
- Real quick, this seems like a good opportunity to talk about Gravity. I absolutely love Alfonso Cuaron and think he's a phenomenal filmmaker. Children of Men was my number one film of 2006 and Y Tu Mama Tambien is a classic. He even made the best Harry Potter movie. Therefore, it's ironic that his worst film is the most celebrated one. I don't hate Gravity, it certainly has its merits and it's an unbelievable EXPERIENCE, but it felt empty to me. I didn't care about Sandra Bullock's character and the fact that they tried to shoehorn in this tragic backstory felt pointless to me. I mean, shouldn't we just not want her to die b/c she's a human being and we're human beings and we don't want to see people just...die? No need to make it some big metaphor. Anyway, I liked it, but definitely feel it's one of the lesser nominees tonight. But I do love Cuaron, so if nothing else, I'm happy to see him getting recognition for the magnificent talent that he is and it will culminate in him winning Best Director later too.
- 15 for 15 as "Let It Go" wins Best Song. I will say it's nice to see an awards recipient(s) actually act like they expected to win. People acting surprised is so fucking stupid. You're one of five nominees, your odds aren't exactly insurmountable. Plus, most winners are telegraphed way ahead of time. I'm still waiting for the day for a winner to go up and say, "Well I've known I was the frontrunner all along so I'm definitely not surprised, so....thanks!"
- I know the last 20 years have taken a detour none of us wished for his career, but DeNiro will always be one of my favorites. His work in the 70s and 80s stacks up against anyone, I mean, ANYONE in the history of cinema.
- John Ridley winning Original Screenplay for 12 Years a Slave, 16 for 16. Get ready for some self important nonsense of the highest order.
- Also, I forgot to mention earlier. I really hope that one day instead of Bette Midler singing "Wind Beneath My Wings" at the Oscars, it'll be Nickelback performing "Hero".
- Oh and Before Midnight should have won. A ridiculously fantastic film in one of the best ongoing movie experiences ever.
- I am proud to say 17 for 17 because SPIKE MOTHERFUCKIN JONZE just took home the most deserving Oscar of the night!!!! Her for Adapted Screenplay. Could not be more deserving.
- It bears repeating, Angelina Jolie...gorgeous.
- How long do you think it would take Sidney Poitier to read War and Peace out loud? 8 years?
- 18 for 18 as Cuaron takes Director. I'm so conflicted on this. On one hand, it's hard to argue he's not deserving given what a spectacle Gravity is and God knows he deserves it for body of work, but on the other hand, there are other better films. Oh well, I'm ok with it.
- Lock of the night other than Frozen is Cate Blanchett winning Best Actress. There is literally no suspense for this. Thank goodness she is well deserving.
- Oh why hello there, August: Osage County, I don't know how I didn't hear you come in considering you're one of the most loud, obnoxious, irritating movies of the year.
- 19 for 19. C'mon perfection!
- I love Jennifer Lawrence, but why does she always look so great in movies and so weird in person? Oh that's right...MOVIE MAGIC.
- In all honesty, I don't know why Bale gets dismissed so easily for his performance in American Hustle, I thought he was great.
- Now, Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street...THAT was a performance. He deserves to win, he towers above all, but he won't.
- 20 for 20. C'mon McConaughey, don't let us down. Let's see you fulfill all those acceptance speech expectations floating around out there for you...most of which consist of you acting like your character from Dazed and Confused.
- Matthew McConaughey makes me feel like we're sitting on a porch drinking lone star together.
- Good job, Matt! Giving the people what they want. I realize saying "alright alright alright" was much easier to incorporate into your speech than "I keep getting older, but they stay the same age...", but you should've at least tried.
- 21 for 21. Hey it's my first perfect game ever.
So it all went about as expected. Not necessarily to me, but to pretty much most Oscar experts. High point for me was definitely Spike Jonze winning for Her which is the most sublime film I've seen from 2013. Other than that, it was a largely inoffensive telecast and Ellen even kinda sorta won me over by being occasionally funny, always endearing, and not too overbearing. I can admit when I'm wrong and I'm glad I was, Ellen did a solid job. The idealistic side of me really wanted to see Leonardo DiCaprio win just to see if he would crawl towards the stage, but oh well, you can't have it all. I'm shameless in my love for the Oscars and all of its unadulterated, self congratulatory, overblown pageantry glory and this year was no exception. It's always fun.
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