Live Bloggin' the 2013 Oscars

Alright alright alright, I'm probably inappropriately excited about this evening's ceremony, but I don't care.  This is my 8th year doing this so I know what I'm doing and I'm kind of a big deal dontcha know.  Every year, I feel compelled to say this and this year is no exception: the Oscars is by no means the be all end all or authority on the perceived quality of a film or performance...it's a bunch of old dudes with their own agendas doling out handjobs in gold statue form to their friends, ok?  And we already know ahead of time that practically every moment of tonight's ceremony will be some of the most egocentric, self-important/congratulatory bullshit you will see all year.  If you didn't know better, the Academy would have you believe that the films released last year helped facilitate the end of world hunger as we know it and in its spare time, resurrected John Lennon and George Harrison from the dead to get the Beatles back together.  All that being said, I love film and some sick side of me loves all the overblown pageantry and nonsense that is the glorious Oscars telecast.  And to be fair, at the end of the day, I love film and as easy as it is to denigrate the Academy, they do actually honor some pretty excellent films (with the exception of Les Miserables).  One interesting aspect this year is that I don't have any films I'm actively rooting for or against.  Last time I did this, I was firmly in the anti-King's Speech camp, but that was mainly b/c I knew it would win and didn't deserve to.  This year, I felt the two best films that were nominated were The Master and Zero Dark Thirty and neither has a chance to really win anything they were nominated for so it doesn't matter.  Plus, it doesn't hurt that the films that probably will win, are all fine films.  So while this year's awards should be unpredictable, I don't think it'll piss me off. 

Oh and one more thing, for the past few years, I always make reference to Louis Gossett Jr classin' up the joint the way only the star of Iron Eagle can do and he has yet to make an appearance recently.  Did something happen to him?  Surely the Academy wouldn't stop inviting him would they?  Gossett!!! I'm coming for YOU.

7:09pm CST:

• OK I don't care about this red carpet nonsense, but it's on while I do some last minute prepping and I couldn't resist saying something after hearing Adele speak.  I love how this woman has this angelic voice when she's singing and when she speaks, she sounds like she should be working in an 18th century brothel in the poorer outskirts of London..."Would you like to play wit me tits?!"

• So we all know that the Oscars get boffo ratings around the world and a big part of it is the legions of women and gay men tuning in for the fashion aspect and the whole red carpet thing, so they've done this part of the broadcast A LOT and yet, it still remains some of the most awkward television around. Some of the questions these hosts asks and the befuddled responses given by the actors/actresses are gold.  "Hey Bradley Cooper, after your publicist made you endure the most awkward interview of your entire career at my hands...can you guess what's hidden in this box under this blanket?  It's our Oscar mystery!" "Ummm......"

• Seth MacFarlane as host? Sure, why not.  Could be worse (Whoopi Goldberg, the Hathaway/Franco combo), could be better (Jon Stewart, Steve Martin), but it has potential.  I'm not a huge Family Guy fan and I'm sure that MacFarlane will be largely defanged, but I'm sure he'll be able to still get some decent jabs in there.  I think he'll do solidly.  I don't think he'll be one of the best, but he won't drag it down either. 

7:56pm CST:

• There's a "theme" to the Oscars this year and it's "music in film".  Great.

• Did anyone find "We Saw Your Boobs" funny?  This opening monologue has been pretty lacking so far.

•  Now Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron dancing...because that's why we all watch the Oscars.

•  I have no idea who had this idea of the whole William Shatner time travel gimmick, but whoever it is needs to be fired, right now. 
•  I would have been completely ok with a decent monologue and some montages about how great film is and how it's helped advance the human race, I'm a sucker for montages.  Instead, we get all this singing nonsense.

•  Ok finally, an actual award.  Best Supporting Actor is a very tough race to call and I'm going with Jones, but I don't feel confident about it.  If it's not him, I think it'll be Deniro.  And just so we're clear, Philip Seymour Hoffman SHOULD win, but he won't, he's absolutely phenomenal in The Master.

• Wow, and it goes to Christoph Waltz and I'm 0 for 1.  I guess Deniro and Jones split the old guy vote.  Hard to argue with this.  Waltz was awesome, I just didn't think he'd win again so quickly, but it's nice to see the Academy acknowledging quality because Waltz is definitely worthy. 

8:15pm CST:

•  I love Paul Rudd.  I don't love Melissa McCarthy.  This intro did nothing to change my mind.  

• I hate starting off 0 for 1.  I'm angry now.  And I don't predict shorts so redemption will have to wait a few more moments.

• Andddd now 0 for 2.  Brave doesn't deserve to go under the Pixar name, very lackluster effort.  I knew this ceremony would be unpredictable, but I didn't expect to lose this category.  

• Well if that doesn't make you wanna see Les Miserables, I don't know what will.

• I kinda like the idea of combining the Best Pic montages into groups of threes (assuming they do the rest of the night).  You get the same effect and it's much more efficient.

•  Most of the main actors from The Avengers to present an award with the exception of Thor.  What, Chris Hemsworth was just too busy to make an appearance?

• And I finally get one right.  Claudio Miranda wins Cinematography for Life of Pi as I'm now 1 for 3.  Poor Roger Deakins, who is apparently now the Susan Lucci of the Oscars...now 0 for 9.  

• And Life of Pi wins for Visual Effects as I'm now 2 for 4.  The good news is my prediction that the love for the technical merits of Life of Pi runs deep seems to be coming true which unfortunately has no bearing on how it'll fare in the major categories and the bad news is, I've already missed two.  F*!k!!!

8:31pm CST:

• Those poor Visual Effects nerds getting cut off was mildly funny and all, but if you wanna see awesome, the Independent Spirit Awards kind of won that category last night as Derek Connolly, writer and director of Safety Not Guaranteed, went up to accept his award while clearly drunk and rambled on for five whole minutes only to have Bryan Cranston eventually go on stage and poor him a shot of Jameson.  THAT is how you boot someone off stage.

• And when in doubt about Costume Design, go with the big period piece.  And if it stars Keira Knightley, that's just a bonus to help lock it in.  I feared that Les Miserables may have an outside shot here and in other similar categories, but I don't think there's tremendous amounts of support for that film.  Now 3 for 5.

• So of course right after I say that, Les Miserables takes it home for Makeup and Hairstyling, I've righted the ship for now at 4 for 6.  Why do makeup and hairstyling people have the ability to win actual awards for their work on others, but they themselves look like they just rolled out of bed after drinking for 12 hours straight?

• A Bond montage...meh.  Never been a huge fan.  I watched them growing up because my dad was a fan, but I haven't even seen the new ones with Daniel Craig so this is just a waste of time to me. 

 8:38pm CST:

•  And the best speech of the night so far comes from the Best Live Action Short guy, go figure.

•  Since this seems to be a dead spot in the telecast, just for the record, I'm going to rank all nine films that were nominated for Best Picture in order of ones I most liked to least liked: Zero Dark Thirty, Django Unchained, Argo, Silver Linings Playbook, Lincoln, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Amour, Life of Pi, Les Miserables.  There, that was fun.

• And Best Documentary was one of the few locks of the night as Searching for Sugar Man takes it down.  Now 5 for 7.

9:23pm CST:

• Foreign Language film may have been the biggest lock in that category since Pan's Labyrinth, 6 for 8. Don't let Michael Haneke fool you with his polite disposition, he hates all of you and all of humanity.

• Kind of weird that we live in a world in which Chicago won 6 Oscars.  Or maybe not, Titanic won 11.  Some years are just doomed.

• I won't lie, I like Jennifer Hudson.  She even sings like a sassy black woman.

• Ok, god help us all.  I guess it's not enough that Les Miserables inexplicably got nominated for 8 Oscars, but now we get a song on top of it, oh goody.

• Oh a Ted bit, no one saw that coming.  

• Ok I'm cruising now, but I don't feel good about it.  No one should be able to celebrate a win for Les Miserables, now 7 for 9.

• A tie?? Really??  Well, this is a first.  I mean, I did pick Skyfall so fuck it, I'm taking credit, I got it right.  8 for 10.

• I love seeing all these "tech people" winning awards b/c when you compare them to all the Hollywood stars gracing the stage, it's almost like..."hey guys, here's what normal people look like!" 

9:43pm CST:

• Anne Hathaway winning was one of the few "duh" awards for the evening and rightfully so.  An unfortunately very weak category this year, but she was good enough.  9 for 11.  On a hot streak after missing the first two, but don't get confused, I'm still pissed.  

• Does some of the laughter sound canned?  I mean, I know Seth MacFarlane isn't making people double over in paroxysms of laughter, but geez. That's embarrassing.

• If Argo wins for Editing, Best Picture is even more of a lock.  Yep, I'm back baby.  10 for 12.

• If they got rid of the live performances of...well any song really, I'd be totally fine with that. 

 10:09pm CST:

• Silver Linings Playbook, Django Unchained, and Amour. That'd make for a helluva night of movie watching.

• Production Design is a tough one.  I picked Life of Pi b/c I fully believe that the Academy is most taken with its technical merits, but it wouldn't shock me to see Les Miserables or Lincoln take it.  And there ya go, stupid Lincoln. I'm now 10 for 13.

• I've never understood why there's such widespread hatred for Kristen Stewart.  It seems especially prevalent among females.  I'm guessing it's b/c she projects this "yes, I will fuck your boyfriend/husband and I don't give a shit what you have to say about it" kinda vibe.  I love whores.

• Is it weird that I love the "In Memoriam" segment?  George A. Bowers looks like the sassiest, most no nonsense editor ever.  Mike Hopkins did sound for Transformers? Yeah, good riddance, my ears still haven't recovered.  Well, other than Tony Scott, I'd say no significant losses this year, not too shabby.  We'd have to say 2012 was a win because of that.  *sigh* I'm going to hell...

• A song by ol' Babs?!  Just what the doctor ordered.  I've been waiting on that Marvin Hamlisch tribute all goddamn night. 

10:27pm CST:

• That reference to Rex Reed reviewing Adele's performance later was the best joke MacFarlane made all night.  If you're unfamiliar, go look up Rex Reed's review of the Melissa McCarthy starring vehicle, Identity Thief. Epic.

• Did I miss something? Is Chicago considered an all-time classic Oscar winner and I'm just in the dark on this?

• Well, I was right about one thing, the love for Life of Pi, hopefully it carries over to Best Director as it takes down Score.  11 for 14.

• Another "duh" moment as Adele wins for Skyfall. Now 12 for 15. 

 10:36pm CST:

• And the mad love for the Argo train continues as it takes Adapted Screenplay.  Now 12 for 16.  Don't say I didn't warn you.  And now I'm gonna be wrong for Original Screenplay.

• Well, I guess I can take solace in the fact that for all of the ones I got wrong, I often said "well if it's not this one, it'll be THIS one", so I'm silver-medaling like a motherfucker.  Now 12 for 17 as Tarantino wins Original Screenplay.

• No one can hate on a Tarantino speech.  We all know he's been doing blow in the parking lot and just itching to get out of there so he can go to a nightclub and drink shots of tequila off of strippers' tits all night.  God bless him!

• I guess I misappropriated the love for Amour where it should have been for Django Unchained. I guess I just assumed that outside of Pulp Fiction, Tarantino hasn't gotten much Oscar love so I thought they put his films into a certain niche type of category, but apparently not.  It sucks to be wrong, but on the other hand, I consider Django to be one of the best films of the year, so it's worthy and nice to see honestly.

10:48pm CST:

• Best Director is one of the toughest categories to call.  I've gotten all my other tough categories wrong, maybe I'll actually get one right now.  And heyyyy, look at that!  Law of averages people, I was due eventually as my boy Ang Lee takes it down.  13 for 18.  

• So I was right about the love for Life of Pi and wrong about the love for Amour. That being said, let's see if Oscar has one more upset left in her as I've predicted Riva to pull the upset in the Actress category.

• Best Actress is a very strong category this year as every performance is fantastic.  I personally prefer Jennifer Lawrence and she's been the frontrunner all along, but let's see if that plays out.  Also, I watched The Impossible today and my goodness, what a harrowing film.  Naomi Watts is terrific.  And there you have it.  I was totally off on Amour, oh well, 13 for 19.  Should finish 15 for 21, bleh.

11:04pm CST:

• I will say that it's a goddamn travesty that John Hawkes wasn't even nominated for phenomenal work in The Sessions. Hugh Jackman, are you fucking serious?  I still can't decide if Joaquin Phoenix gave a great performance, but it's certainly...something.  I'll just give it benefit of the doubt b/c I love The Master that much.  And DDL makes history, 14 for 20.

• Hey hey everybody, it's the Daniel Day-Lewis standup comedy hour, oh my goodness, my sides!

• Oh christ, here we go.  Since Michelle Obama is presenting nominees, here comes a wave of political nonsense on Facebook, thanks Academy!

• It's hard not to be happy for Ben Affleck, who has proven himself to be a truly terrific filmmaker. Not even being nominated for Director was ridiculous, but I don't even think he cares and wow, love that speech.  So humble and gracious and enthusiastic.  He's a guy that just loves movies and that's what it's all about.  Oh and 15 for 21.  Ew.

Final Thoughts:

- I feel like I say this a lot lately, but yet again, not a very good production. Seth MacFarlane was even worse than I thought he could've been.  Perhaps not his fault, but it is what it is.  Plus I've seen hosts succeed so I know it can be done.  I finished 15 for 21 which is what I did back in 2010 and about what I expected considering the unpredictability of a lot of the awards this year.  Either way, it was fun to get back in the saddle, I was rusty, so I guess I need to write more.  Toodles.